Lost this battle


Dear Wolf,

Today we have not been getting along. The fight has been brewing for a few days, now it has happened and I have lost this battle.

So now I bare your scars. My throat is tight and mouth ripped to shreds. Eating is like learning to swallow swords and not being very good at it.

My body is bruised and aches all over, a sickening pain like flu. Then the searing pains from your attack in my left hip, right hand, left toes, chest and left shoulder. like red hot claws that make you gasp.

You’ve infected my being, turned my blood to stone and made me heavy. I can’t focus, want to sleep and my brain has turned to lead. I think slowly, forget much and muddle my speech. I forget to take the tablets that keep you at bay.

Dramatic it may sound, especially when others can’t see you hiding in my shadow. Not visible to the human eye. I feel guilty for winging, relying on others and being a boring soul who can’t leave the safety of the duvet. Please don’t bring your pal the black dog to visit.

So another day lost in the battle? Today I managed to drive to a blood test, came back too exhausted to even make food. I watched Paul venture into the outside our real life canine companion. I wrote a letter to the council to try and rectify the aweful financial mess this has caused. Then sleep, a bath and washing up. Gosh I feel so lazy and my mind battles the thoughts of being lazy, weak and to pull my socks up and try harder. Is this in my head? An excuse to be lazy.? Are you real?

The reality is though I didn’t see you for couple of days and I did too much, a spot of organising and a bit of gardening. My mind and spirit felt great. It was obviously too much. But how much is too much?

Rheumatologist on Thursday to say the drugs are not working… You have won this battle, but you will not win the war.

(Maybe we should make friends and stop fighting?)


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