A wolf in sheep’s clothing

Dear Wolf,

Sometimes I fear I’ve become half a person, or just an illness. I feel that having the disease from ‘House’ is the most defining part if me; the conversation point, or the whinge about feeling poorly.

I’d love to have an identity like the treasured friends I watch, effortlessly being the people they want to be. My beautiful friend working on her doctorate, but is a party girl, narcotics and all at the weekend. The sister who is a full time mum and still finds time to blog, photograph and have a pretty house. The socialites, the theatre makers, the artists, the writers, the academics…

I don’t feel an ounce of jealousy, I admire them. I watch and get that feeling of happiness and pride that they are happy and living interesting and fulfilling lives. It inspires me to be, to dream and then I remember you. You rob me of the energy it takes to be.

So whilst I sit here at a birthday party, in the corner with my soda water, wondering how long it’ll be till I go home and take painkillers, I know that tomorrow I’ll be shattered. Getting dressed up and putting on my smile will mean a duvet day. Don’t get me wrong I have had a fantastic night. I enjoy getting dressed up, talking to people and and laughing, I just know it will come at a price that’s all. I look at everyone in the room and whilst I know I won’t have the cigarette and alcohol hangover you will tomorrow, I will have an energy hangover even though I’ve taken it easy.

More than anything I worry that I always appear so sensible and boring. So I have one of those funny conversations about it, shouted, over the 90’s music, to the drunken friend who looks bemused:

Him: Why are you always driving Vicki?
 Me: Cause it’s easier to get home
Him: ahh, but have fun
Me: oh I am fine, watching you all his hilarious
Him: come and dance?
Me: I can’t my leg is too painful (I forgot painkillers and have abandoned my 80’s stilettos. I have taken to slinking round the walls, to hide the limp caused by my painful hip/knee/foot, when I go to the toilet non stop, after drinking 5 pints of soda water)
Him: what have you done?
Me: Nothing I have Lupus and it makes things sore sometimes
Him: Did you leave him in the car?
Me: What!!!???
Him: is he in the car?
Me: No I have Lupus (wish I hadn’t mentioned it)
Him: Oh whats your dog called again?
Me: oh you mean Bruce?
Him: Yes your dog
Me: No his name is Bruce, he’s at home tonight with Sal (I wish the Lupus was too, though not with Sal).

My soul feels happier for the two social occasions I have made it to this week. Surrounded by people that make me laugh and smile. 

I just cant help but think about what they think of me. Wolfy you have made me half a person and I want to know, if given the chance, who could I have been?


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