The trees are finally catching up with life, or maybe life is replicating nature. In other words its all change. And lets face it change is tough but I always have a special place for the summer to autumn turn. The world is a fucking beautiful place and right now it’s showing off
I recently set up an adventure group on what’s app to protect myself with my friends. This morning in the group chat a collaborative haiku was created:
An autumn morning
The skies they are sighing
In a slow grumpy roll
Well done @thecafecat for collecting it.
Today I was super kind and had a massage to heal, made soup from the garden, walked the dogs and went to the cinema. So many anxieties came and went. But I pushed through and spoke with an honest and kind intention to everyone I met, oh and myself too. Instead of hiding in the house I made sure I did things to fill my heart.
Oh yeah the grateful things:
- Feet that carry me on adventures
- Seasons that show us that change happens and everything is ok
- The rspca
I came across this list earlier on Buzzfeed
I love the fact it just asks us to spend a little time on ourselves before we hit crisis. I wish I could take my own advice. Slowly, slowly I’m changing my routine to include breathing and positivity. Todays tasks were to make candles, get the dogs back and watch Bake Off. Tick, tick and almost tick (it’s on in 10 minutes).
A lot of chronic illness comes with a spoonful of guilt. We let so many other areas of our lives slip so therefore believe we don’t deserve self care and kindness if we have cancelled a meeting or been late on an assignment. I know I’ve posted this before but it is so true: You can’t pour from an empty cup. Take care of yourself first.
So I’d be interested to know what you do to take care of yourself?
P.S. Today I’m grateful for:
- The garden and it’s ability to keep on growing no matter what
- Rose – In plant form, scent or lemonade.
- The crisis team who are keeping me afloat
Today’s post is more of a diary entry. It’s a big test day to try to get back to some kind of normality and spend time on my own. It began with a sleep over at my dear friend Beth’s house where I was spoiled by having dinner cooked, playing with all the toys and coffee in bed!
It was followed by a meeting at the council to get my benefits in place. Easy peasy, and followed up with a quick coffee and toast before returning home. I made a few candles for an order I have on. I was exhausted already so I napped and watched crap TV and tried the anxiety meds in the daytime. I usually take them at night to help me sleep so this was another test.
The next thing I knew I was woken up to Emma knocking on the door. She whisked me away to the next meeting with the community mental health team. A bit of a waste of time in terms of help and info but at least I know where it is! Plus I got to spend time with Emma in the car chatting (one of my favourite things).
So home again to a bath, dinner and more candles. I’ve started to read Marie Kondo’s The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying. Not sure what to think yet as its a lot about how fantastic the technique is but little about the actual doing, I love the idea of being ruthless though. Purge here I come.
I’ve also been keeping a gratitude diary. The three things I’m grateful for today are:
- Friends as they have literally saved my life and continue to make me smile
- My cat ‘Little Bear’ who has been at my side all day
Love isn’t lust, love isn’t romance, love isn’t easy.
Love is vulnerable trust, unspoken respect.
Love is nurtured; its fragile and beautiful.
I love stationery. I love pens, pencils, tape, clips, markers, stickers… the list goes on. Yesterday I needed to buy some post bags for eBay and ended up in Wilkos with arms full of practical trinkets. Practical as I’ve just started a Bullet Journal (more on that anther time). Trinkets because they are all so pretty. Also I was pleased to see that all the best people have Uniball Pens. When I first met the crisis team the nurse had a pencil case with a deer on it and it was full of Uniball pens; we bonded.
This was the result:
- Positive Pencils | I loved the cheesy quotes on these that will help my journalling | £1
- Glittery Tape | because glitter is always an essential | £1.50
- Wooden Pegs in all sizes | Just in case | 75p
- Bulldog Clips | for Pinterest hacks | 75p
- Luggage Labels | I always
want need more | 75p
- Uniball Pens | pack of 3 and individual | £1.50 to £2.75
- Sharpies | Beautiful metallics especially the bronze | £4.00
- Pencil Sharpener | secretly for make up | £1
- Polka Dot Pencil Case | to put everything in | £2
So I’m ready for back to school, I’m not going. But I’m ready for well…
This was inspired by a meditation in which you become a mountain! It is hugely borrowed but I found it so inspiring that I needed to write it the moment I opened my eyes…
It’s a bit quiet over here because I’m on the move. Anyone with chronic illness will no that travel is a killer. Anyway I discovered the YouTube channel The School of Life who make videos each week all about emotional education. Here’s the link to their video on anxiety. I also love their other projects such as The School of Life has a wonderful website full of resources. I’m looking forward to delving into their Book of Life sister website that tracks modern living through all of our major cultural influences.
So today has been a little tough. This made me smile though. There are good people.
Acts of kindness
I don’t want to write in the moment of pure dispair and panic because I’ll just vomit out all the emotions on the page. I’m post meltdown and a very dark place which involves googling ways to ‘go to sleep’.
It’s all too much to even put into words. I’m dizzy when I stand up and there’s acid fire burning a hole in my lungs. My heart feels sore and dull. Prickly heat rises through my body into my arms before I want to pass out. The thoughts come so fast and the pain. Pain I can only describe in physical terms because I’m so used to it.
These are my reasons I feel so low:
I am in constant pain and always tired
I’m worn down by feeling ill all the time
I’m a prisoner of the disease that’s robbed my life
I’m sleeping on a mattress in my sister’s house because I’m too scared to go home
I’m a burden to those around me
I let people down all the time
I can’t to the job I love
I can’t do most things without being exhausted
I’m heartbroken and grieving
I have nothing to show for 35 years of fighting
Yes it’s a selfish list all about me. I know this and this makes me feel guilty too. I’m fighting this so hard, harder than you’d imagine. But this nasty little thing creeps up on me forcing me down a one track alley…