There’s a creeping sickness inside my chest.
There’s a living ball of weeds that have a grip,
slowly they snake their way through my ribs,
worming their way into my fractured heart.
It’s in my head but it’s real nauseating pain
that races down my arms till they’ve been hijacked.
Slowly they consume me before spitting the remains out
like the fragments of vomit after being sick for hours.
My heart thuds a sickening acid beat,
conjuring a heat that rises and I give in.
Then I forget for a moment and live,
but living becomes a limbo, a holding place.
I’m split in two, too scared to be alone,
too overwhelmed to sit with you and open my mouth.
A warrior and a victim, resilient and weak,
I’m frightened beyond belief.
I’m ‘all about me’ it seems, and irritated by the world.
Everything feels like walking through an endless desert at night,
I can’t see beyond my hands which are so cold and alone
I’m thirsty and need shelter but cannot find the right place.
Your company is welcome but never the one.
No one is the one thing I want.
I want to close my eyes to the night’s sky
I want to join the stars and become part of the nothing
I want to stop fighting and trying
I just want rest.
It’s there within reach, within a plastic packet,
It’s just a swallow away from peace.
It’s a wild and dangerous place
full of beasts that make me alive.
It’s like a thief came and took my OK, my safety, and my future.
I feel numb and uninteresting to the people around me,
kind people I don’t have the words for.
I feel like I lack a purpose,
I’ve been cut adrift from everything I thought I was,
I’m a tiny, leaky row boat on an inky ocean.
People believed this vessel was a ship,
It never was, it was just a leaky tub that was clinging on.
There is a beauty out there in the endless starry sky,
but at the moment it’s just out of reach.
I’ll find my map and telescope soon but please hold in there with me,
I’m just on a break from the adventure.
I’m doing all the emotions at groundbreaking speed,
and someone forgot to install the emergency stop.
I won’t make you promises as I have none to give
but I may surprise you all.