I don’t want to write in the moment of pure dispair and panic because I’ll just vomit out all the emotions on the page. I’m post meltdown and a very dark place which involves googling ways to ‘go to sleep’.
It’s all too much to even put into words. I’m dizzy when I stand up and there’s acid fire burning a hole in my lungs. My heart feels sore and dull. Prickly heat rises through my body into my arms before I want to pass out. The thoughts come so fast and the pain. Pain I can only describe in physical terms because I’m so used to it.
These are my reasons I feel so low:
I am in constant pain and always tired
I’m worn down by feeling ill all the time
I’m a prisoner of the disease that’s robbed my life
I’m sleeping on a mattress in my sister’s house because I’m too scared to go home
I’m a burden to those around me
I let people down all the time
I can’t to the job I love
I can’t do most things without being exhausted
I’m heartbroken and grieving
I have nothing to show for 35 years of fighting
Yes it’s a selfish list all about me. I know this and this makes me feel guilty too. I’m fighting this so hard, harder than you’d imagine. But this nasty little thing creeps up on me forcing me down a one track alley…