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Awake

October 20, 2016 ~ Vicki Oliver

I woke up with the sensation that I’m slipping, the world has changed and I’m sliding off it. Falling feet first.

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This morning comes to you powered by a #turmeric drink all warm and golden. I’ve just boiled turmeric and added black pepper, manuka #honey and cider vinegar. 🍂🍃🍁 Last week I began my treatment for TB, and the meds can only be described as a work of evil. A week in and I have ulcers, migraines daily, bleeding, extreme joint pain, sores galore. I feel poisoned and broken and I just want this three months to be over. 🍃🍁🍂 Yesterday I just had to admit defeat and spend the entire day in bed. Today I’m doing my best to potter slowly, get maybe one or two things done, and feed my body to counteract the drugs stripping it of anything good. In all honesty I feel so terrible and broken I don’t see a lot of anything happening. In the meantime here’s a little pan of sunshine ☀️

It’s been fairly #quiet over here . Quiet and my posting is #inconsistent as always. My health makes me feel inconsistent with lots of things, as soon as I get into something a crisis happens and I take time out to recover and regather. 🍁 🍃 🍂 BUT here comes the revelation! I’m not inconsistent at all. In fact I always show up here on a weekly basis or more. I’m slower than some and don’t post daily but I take time to consider and love the bits I do share. Life is too fast and too full of information sometimes, I like the gift of being able to do it at my pace. 🍂🍃🍁 Today I’ve been inspired by @hanbullivant stories about #disconnecting from the need to buy and consume. So I’m going through my emails and unsubscribing from every email that encourages me to buy. For years I’ve made Christmas presents for my friends and family instead of buying. And if I do buy it’s 90% from artists or makers I love and want to support. I started making my presents in September this year and I love the slow and sporadic process of planning, creating and finishing my treasured gifts. 🍁🍃🍂 Oh and the picture is just because. Just because nature is slow, inconsistent and always shows up.

I woke up this morning and the rain was pouring. Usually I love being cosy on a rainy day, but today I felt cross. Despite promising myself I’d start the day with my journal I jumped straight on the laptop to see how the project I’m volunteering was going. Every message I got seemed like a chore, a disappointment or and intrusion. I realised I was really angry today. I have nothing to be angry about, but then my mind jumped to something I’d read before... could this possibly be grief? 🌹 🌹 🌹 My grandma passed away on Thursday. Every time I’ve spoken about it I feel sad and upset. I feel for the people around me that are grieving or her and their loss. Tears come out at certain bits. But mostly I’ve not been able to really access my feelings at all. 🌹🌹🌹 So instead I’ve been super busy and then doing nothing at all. I’ve told myself the busy is distraction and the nothing is self care. But actually what I’ve been avoiding doing is sitting with my feeling at all. It’s safer for me to go into a #bipolar mania than to sit with what’s inside. 🌹🌹🌹 So I forced the journal out l, and did little more than find one of @ray_dodd #affirmations that feels like it fits for today. Today’s focus will be #kindness to myself and others. Kind to myself because anger is a feeling in the process. It’s a feeling muddled up with family history and fear. But also kind to those around me. Everyone who is in the same boat or has experienced loss. Or just because behind the smile is someone struggling. I’m really proud of myself today for recognising a destructive pattern and turning my day around.

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