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Awake

October 20, 2016 ~ Vicki Oliver

I woke up with the sensation that I’m slipping, the world has changed and I’m sliding off it. Falling feet first.

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Why I’ve been so quiet. The mountains are blocking the phone signal and it’s been a delight. 🏔 🏔🏔 If you look carefully you’ll see three wild swimmers leave the jetty on the right and swim around the lake and back. They were cold even in wetsuits. I sat and drank my coffee. 🏔🏔🏔 I have missed you all dearly though. I realised how much this community means to me on a regular basis. [video description: A time lapse video of a lake in the afternoon sunshine. The water is a steely grey and blue and ripples as time passes. The lake is framed by the green grassy hills of the welsh valleys. The blue sky is punctuated with fluffy white clouds. On the right, in the distance, there is a small wooden jetty from which 3 swimmers enter the water. They are small compared to the expanse of the lake. As the time lapse completes the swimmers complete their journey round the lake and step out]

I did something really brave and booked a photo shoot with the lovely @mooie_fee a couple of weeks ago. I hate having my picture taken and feel awkward (as you can see in my face) but it was nice to just do it. Working with Amy was really easy and I felt completely relaxed. I also treated myself to a mini makeover too 🖤🖤🖤 When I was a teenager I was scouted for modelling by a big London agency. I found the whole thing really strange and didn’t get very far. I’ve never really liked being told what to do so it probably wasn’t a good thing to get into. The experience was all a little odd. 🖤🖤🖤 Strangely in the same couple of weeks I have had a psychological assessment for secondary care therapy. Something that I’ve been asking for for a very long time. I think that experience of being young and picked up then rejected just based on your looks really damaged my self esteem. It was also at the beginning of when my mental health and physical health was beginning to be really problematic. In this assessment they felt it was best I am treated for complex PTSD. A series of events and traumas that just don’t seem to stop, the modelling being a drop in the ocean. Every time I lift the lid off of it, it’s now like a beast I cannot control. When I find the space to speak about it at all it’s like an all consuming monster. I want to live in the present without fear. I want to learn to sit with my feelings without suddenly being in a dark place. I’m willing to give this a go. Prole out there may think I’m weak or moan. But if you knew it all you’d see just how resilient I am and I’m proud of this. Just like giving a photo shoot another go, I’m here and showing up each day, trying my best.

Home part 3. Any space can become a home once you nest in it. You fill it with your own uniqueness. The things you use surround you and reflect your actions and rituals. The things you choose to decorate show your inner beauty and passion. 🏡🏡🏡 When you rent you so often end up in someone else’s house. You have no control over the layout or design. You often end up with issues and if you don’t have a terribly good landlord a fight on your hands. I guess the flip side of this is that you don’t pay for repairs and updating. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’ve also seen some incredible renters on here who have inspired my own living. 🏡🏡🏡 I want to tell you a little about social housing because in this case ANY choice or decision you may like to have is taken away. It’s often the case that until you are made street homeless that you won’t know where you are going until just before the council offices close on that day. You cannot choose where you’ll live, or in what type of accommodation it will be. Things that are fundamental to who you are are not considered. If you like to garden, cook, work out, take a bath, own a pet etc... it all becomes irrelevant. I’m putting this out here as a truth and not because it’s a pity party. It’s just a fact that if you hit rock bottom and need that help your well-being and person is not a consideration anymore. Something in that message undermines your self worth. 🏡🏡🏡 All of this being said I am incredibly grateful that I have been housed for the time being. It’s tough living half out a temporary place and half out of a storage unit. The atmosphere is tense in the building. But I am grateful for the beautiful old building that the council owns and the stories it must have seen. I am grateful for my own space. I am grateful to my amazing friends who have helped me move and settle. I am grateful to my own ability to nest and create home. I’m treating this limbo as my extended holiday by the sea, how lucky am I that it’s during the spring and summer? 🏡🏡🏡 If anyone out there is going through this journey don’t do it alone. My DMs are always open for help and advice on navigating our welfare system xxx

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