Sorry this talks openly about suicidal thoughts. If you don’t want to know don’t read on.
You know you’re not right when you walk past a beautiful place and think ‘I want to die here’. It just seeps into your conscious like damp in an old house. Then thats it, your head fills with mildew and once again your at the bottom of the hole. You claw your way slowly back towards the light. Knees grazed, nails ripped and dirt in you hair you stand up one more time.
Disclaimer: I’m OK today which is why I can write this so no one send any police or ambulances or whats apps. If its any consolation I had to cross a railway track about 5 metres from said beautiful spot. I stopped and took my earphones out, looked both ways before carefully picking my way across the track. This is what mental health feels like, in a heartbeat you take care crossing the railway but want to drown in the stream. I constantly surprise myself. I got asked what stopped me I couldn’t remember at the time but I remember now. I didn’t have any stones to weigh me down, no painkillers to make me sleep and I thought if my phone gets wet I won’t hear music as my last thing. Rational hey?
Today I am thankful for:
- Beth who cares so much
- Sally and her words and depth