Everyday has been getting slightly better, or so it seems. Everyone says how much better I look and how far I’ve come. But do you know what? I’m right back just where I started.
My heart hurts today, it doesn’t yearn for the same things anymore. It feels released from its cage and free from its bonds. Yet it sits there unfluttering and old, it feels unable to love and feel passion.
My life feels like a complete fuck up and I have nothing to show for all the kindness and fight I put out there. I watch and bask in the golden moments of other people’s lives. Or I cower in the shadows whilst the world moves without me.
I’m out of fight again with every barrier put in my way. I’m feeding something that’s useless anyway. I feel more alone than in my desperate moments. Days on end with these 4 walls.
I’m an irritant, a burden and too much. No contact from others despite trying the hardest I possibly can. I feel a terrible, terrible guilt inside for always asking.
I’ve reached the dark forest again and I can only stumble and trip through it. Tripping on the dark thoughts and grazing my knees.
Inside I’m not ok at all. I’m a mess that pours down my cheeks in rivers. I can’t keep up this better face that hides deep numbness and disappointment.