I did something really brave and booked a photo shoot with the lovely @mooie_fee a couple of weeks ago. I hate having my picture taken and feel awkward (as you can see in my face) but it was nice to just do it. Working with Amy was really easy and I felt completely relaxed. I also treated myself to a mini makeover too
🖤🖤🖤
When I was a teenager I was scouted for modelling by a big London agency. I found the whole thing really strange and didn’t get very far. I’ve never really liked being told what to do so it probably wasn’t a good thing to get into. The experience was all a little odd.
🖤🖤🖤
Strangely in the same couple of weeks I have had a psychological assessment for secondary care therapy. Something that I’ve been asking for for a very long time. I think that experience of being young and picked up then rejected just based on your looks really damaged my self esteem. It was also at the beginning of when my mental health and physical health was beginning to be really problematic. In this assessment they felt it was best I am treated for complex PTSD. A series of events and traumas that just don’t seem to stop, the modelling being a drop in the ocean. Every time I lift the lid off of it, it’s now like a beast I cannot control. When I find the space to speak about it at all it’s like an all consuming monster. I want to live in the present without fear. I want to learn to sit with my feelings without suddenly being in a dark place. I’m willing to give this a go. Prole out there may think I’m weak or moan. But if you knew it all you’d see just how resilient I am and I’m proud of this. Just like giving a photo shoot another go, I’m here and showing up each day, trying my best.
