Never


Part of me wishes we’d never met.

That we’d always been lone wolves and never a pack. 
Never swam and chased underwater or danced and laughed at our four left feet.
Never caught trains on adventures and driven for miles whilst playing silly games to make it pass by.
Never stood so proud of each other whilst watching girls on roller skates collide. 
Never hunted the magical potions created in bars. Two maraschinos please oh and an espresso martini.

Never created delights to feed each other and had kitchen meltdowns to match.

Never hidden from the world under duvets whilst eating mountains of pizza and ice cream just to be together.

Never thrown pizza off cliffs and shouted from balconies into the London night sky.

Never had ignored each other whilst drawn to screens or watched series upon series back to back whilst I asked too many questions.

Never have had mad making projects in which I had the idea and you made it happen. 

Never put dusty records on the record player and sat in our pants.
Never been humiliated by our daft dogs, taught them to swim or snuggled as four.
Never have enjoyed making fires inside and out. Never have foraged for food and dragged home tree limbs with guilty faces.

Never have made lemon meringue pie with all my heart but it’ll never be your mums.

Never have spent hours making and finding the perfect gift to make each other just to know how wanted we were.

Never have barbecued in the rain.

Never have put the world to rights with a shared intensity. Anger in our words for peace and a better place.

I’d never have thrown your shoes over the wall or teased you about your new clothes.

Never have held hands in the cinema and felt our hearts race at being side by side in the dark. 

Never have invented the film rule or searched endlessly for the tiny remote.

Never have shared Sunday mornings in bed as the closest time together.

If only we’d never met…

I wouldn’t have given you that hug at the gate thinking you still cared. 

Or woken up from the pills to hold your hand and look into your eyes for an answer to the pain I’d tried to take away.

In that moment I trusted you still and believed you cared and we connected. 

But all of the nevers were lies.

I broke my rules for you…

On an adventure that took us from cliff tops to forests, we ran free and hid amongst the shadows, sick with being found out, wasting away like a panicked songbird wanting to be set free.

I broke all the rules for you.

We lost a key in the forest, we swam in the dark water. All the danger was there and you made it safe. We flew away to a house that crumbled by the sea,We lived in ruins under the weight of guilt, we pieced together a home.

 I broke all the rules for you.

Given a crown to wear  I let myself believe, this was a fairytale and I could be queen. I dared to dream of adventures that would last a lifetime. To always say your name and be ok.

I broke all the rules for you.

You wore my name and I walked by your side, my every moment was to grow us, to nurture what little we had, I loved you so fiercely that I forgot to love myself,  I broke us somehow when I broke all the rules for you.

I broke all my rules for you and now I’m alone in a dark forest, lost amongst the shadows. 

I walk the cliffs alone, pulled towards the dark waters below. 

The house is an ugly broken shell and I don’t even have the key. 

The adventures won’t happen and the crown is made of broken glass.

 But still I break all the rules for you.