Disentangle

ropeknife

You say we were two lives that need to disentangle.

But really some of each other became the other one.

That’s the problem. Where do you stop and I begin?

It’s less un-knotting and more a case of cutting it out.

It’s not like cutting out fat, sugar and carbs for my diet to make myself more attractive.

If I do this then I crave the bad.

Maybe I let a remanent of us remain?

It’s a dangerous game, I binge then purge.

More than that its like something that’s diseased.

You cut the tumour out stop it spreading.

I find rancid places to cut you out.

A surgeon, a butcher, a self-harmer.

I peel the taste buds from my tongue

because they shared a love of flavours,

that only we could understand and create.

A menu bittersweet.

I gauge the black place in my heart.

Like cutting the mould from cheese to preserve the rest.

Yet you always worry there’s some you didn’t remove,

and you’ll end up all bileĀ inside.

I remove objects and reminders from my home.

Like cutting the pieces of a stencil,

to make it make a new pattern.

I like the way it looks better than before.

I cut poisonous people out of my life,

it’s an attempt to make it happier, but really I’m afraid.

Scared of their judgement,

because that’s what I became.

Some cut the story from the paper

in order to remember and celebrate.

But the card from last year which says ‘I’m still glad I’m in love with you’

is better forgotten as a manipulative lie.

I cut the nails from my toes,

to stop gouging out the flash at the sides.

Occasionally I don’t do it straight enough,

those feet that danced together become hot and infected.

I dig at my flesh, open wounds and peel back scabs.

I cut you out of me but I keep forgetting where me ends and you begin.

I bleed a little to prove I’m still alive,

and it’s still possible to hurt.

Maybe I’ll let a small piece stay,

like an inked scar to mark the moment we were one.

Is this violent act self harm self-preservation? Cruel to be kind?

I cut away part of myself to make room for more.

Eating better

I’ve been trying for a while to lose weight. Anyone who takes the dreaded prednisolone will know how hungry you always feel. I tend to eat really healthily 50% of the time then really lapse the other 50%. I’m trying to figure out why this is. I think it’s for these reasons:

  1. Convenience – often get in a state where I’ve run out of food and eat the nearest thing at hand. This is often junk or convenience food that takes zero energy. So I’ll end up eating an entire packet of biscuits in one sitting. I also get too tired to calorie count and give up on diets.
  2. Emotional Eating – if I’ve had a bad day I’ll try to cheer myself up with a take out or some chocolate. My excuse is that it’s just today, then the next day I feel ill and treat myself again.
  3. Late Night Binges – this is the worst part of the day for eating and eating badly. I tell myself I’ve been really good then binge on anything bad I can get my hands on including crisps, chocolate and cheese.
  4. Inactivity – since the beginning of the fatigue and inflammatory problems I have become more and more inactive. This leads to weight gain and it being more difficult to exercise. 
  5. I’ll start tomorrow – this is a double edged sword. Whilst it’s good to carry on with a diet even if you slip up, slipping every day doesn’t help. 

There are ways in which I can challenge these struggles. 

  1. Making meals ahead for the freezer for bad days
  2. Changing the ratio of good to bad eating to 80% good and 20% treat
  3. Using apps such as weight watchers and Treat to plan meals and track my intake. I really like the new smart point system as it not only counts calories but encourages you to eat good calories such as fresh and low sugar and salt. Treat is a personalised app for one to one nutritional coaching. I love the fact you post a picture of your food and get advice from this. It also holds you accountable to someone other than yourself! 
  4. Keep my excitement for cooking. I love it and trying new things. I have a Pinterest board with loads of ideas to try out.
  5. Surrounding myself with better treats and snacks so I don’t break!
  6. Being more active – I really like that Fitbit now encourages you to move around every hour. Little steps!
  7. Oh and I’m starting today…

Do you have any tips you could share for weight loss and healthy eating, I’d love to hear about them in the comments…