Through the looking glass.

And the world spun on and she disappeared in between the gaps. The mirror looked like another room, but as she stepped through there was no drama or magic. She just slipped, into another place between the glass and out of sight.

It wasn’t a sudden event but had been a gradual process of slipping and fading. She once had burnt brightly and fiercer. She once had maybe been liked or even loved (or maybe duped into believing so). But friends who declared allegiance grew tired of her melancholy and as the dramas faded away, they too stopped calling. They wouldn’t be there with their promises a second time round. Their false declarations of solidarity and support made it feel worse.

Life was old news, just like her. She was unable to move forward, no energy to write a new chapter. Her brightness and glow from inside dissolved. Whilst those around flourished and grew from strength to strength and she wilted. She became a nobodies somebody. 

The world turned and as she did she slipped further into the shadows. Everything she’d achieved and earned burnt away as others shone so bright. The world had robbed her and left everyone else with something whilst she was nothing. 

She can’t do this world. She’s too tired, too lonely, too weak envious, too much, in pain and doesn’t want to anymore. Fed up of pretending, enough was enough. That’s when she discovered that the no place was a real place. A chance to step away and begin from scratch. It was her story, owned by her and she held the pen. She could write something new in a way that was  like no one else’s.

She held the pen and began to draw. The first thing she drew was a boat. Not grand, just a tiny vessel. Nothing more than a board bench and some oars. She climbed onboard and launched into the inky sea, and didn’t look behind even once.


How to find joy

  1. Walk with a dog, more people talk to you than if you walk alone
  2. Use the ‘golden hour’ to take a photo and marvel at your skills 
  3. Wake up just to see the sun rise and do step two. You’re allowed to go back to 
  4. Laugh really really hard till it hurts. Friends and YouTube videos help
  5. Make someone cake for no reason and share their joy 
  6. Show a child ‘wonder’ and watch their joy, it’s infectious 
  7. For slow burning joy plant some seeds and feel joyful each time you see them grow a little bigger, and think ‘I made that happen’ 
  8. Light a fire, indoors or out, and spend time roasting parts of your body till they go red. Decide it’s probably bad for you so sit and stare and getting lost in the flames 
  9. Eat cheese and don’t feel bad
  10. Climb as high as you can to get a really good view

All is full of love…

Sometimes we need to take time to remember “All Is Full Of Love”
You’ll be given love

You’ll be taken care of

You’ll be given love

You have to trust it
Maybe not from the sources

You have poured yours

Maybe not from the directions

You are staring at
Twist your head around

It’s all around you

All is full of love

All around you
All is full of love

You just ain’t receiving

All is full of love

Your phone is off the hook

All is full of love

Your doors are all shut

All is full of love!
All is full of love

All is full of love

All is full of love

All is full of love

All is full of love

Narrow Margins

I can’t ever get this song out of my head. The words, oh the words, they say my all thoughts. The melody gets me in the pit everytime.

“Narrow Margins”
I can’t live this way

Breaking all my rules again

Choking on my gin

You push ’til I give in

‘Til the loser always wins
Somehow with his beckoning

Bruising with his threads

Confusing what he says

But I won’t live that way

Though I kind of want to anyway

Kind of want to play

With all the pretty and the pure

Well I return to the earth

I return to the dust

No more beauty by the pound

And this I do not trust
‘Cause nothing forgives

Rules and narrow margins

In our lives

It’s rules and narrow margins

But I will slip by
I can’t find the time

I don’t know the future

I couldn’t bring that past back

I waste what little time I have
But I swear I almost touched it

Yet it slipped between my fingers

Sent shivers down my spine

Cut a splinter in my mind
But it wasn’t nothing, again

These rules and narrow margins

But our life

Is rules and narrow margins

But I will slip by
Rules and narrow margins

Rules and narrow margins

But I will slip by
Half Moon Run

Shabby Wisteria

Planted with hope and a twenty year wait,

Then pastel and fierce for only a blink of a year.

Beauty that flourishes then sleeps till next

Wise branches that lean with a mutual love.
The season turns loudly to spring

And the soft grand display begins. 

A mask of beauty shouting from the walls,

Glory in which the inhabitants hide behind.
Slowly it climbs and it reaches for sun,

Stealing the light as it casts it’s shade.

Delicate and twisted boughs that some say damage,

Buy look again; they twine not grip, the strength is within.
Notoriously difficult to tame and left

To spread beyond it’s borders.

A fragile dance between conquerer and artist,

This year it could have bloomed better with just a little care.
New people come and go behind its wall.

It’s fragile existence is in their hands,

Each time it drops it’s shabby confetti,

But it promises you to always bloom after the darkest winter.

I know It’s Over

The Smith’s remind me of a time I was working for the Youth Service. I was a fiercely passionate about the young people I worked with as they were for The Smiths twenty years too late. This song for me has so much resonance with my life but more because of that memory.

Oh mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
And as I climb into an empty bed
Oh well, enough said
I know it’s over, still I cling
I don’t know where else I can go, oh

Oh mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
See, the sea wants to take me
The knife wants to slit me
Do you think you can help me?

Sad veiled bride, please be happy
Handsome groom, give her room
Loud, loutish lover, treat her kindly
Though she needs you
More than she loves you

And I know it’s over, still I cling
I don’t know where else I can go
Over and over and over and over
Over and over

I know it’s over
And it never really began
But in my heart it was so real
And you even spoke to me, and said

“If you’re so funny then why are you on your own tonight?
And if you’re so clever then why are you on your own tonight?
If you’re so very entertaining then why are you on your own tonight?
If you’re so very good-looking, why do you sleep alone tonight?”

“I know ’cause tonight is just like any other night
That’s why you’re on your own tonight
With your triumphs and your charms
While they’re in each other’s arms”

It’s so easy to laugh, it’s so easy to hate
It takes strength to be gentle and kind
Over, over, over, over, over
It’s so easy to laugh, it’s so easy to hate
It takes guts to be gentle and kind
Over, over

Love is natural and real
But not for you, my love
Not tonight, my love
Love is natural and real
But not for such as you and I, my love

Oh mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
Oh mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
Oh mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
Oh mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head

Oh mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
Oh mother, I can even feel the soil falling over my head
Oh mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
Oh mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head

 

Audition (The Fools Who Dream)

Well this was just beyond beautiful, and this comes from someone who often dislikes musicals. La La Land appealed to the old fashioned wild one in me. the one who gets up and tries again, takes the knock down, and finds beauty. I sobbed my heart out.

My aunt used to live in Paris
I remember, she used to come home and tell us
stories about being abroad and
I remember that she told us she jumped in the river once
Barefoot

She smiled
Leapt, without looking
And She tumbled into the Seine!
The water was freezing
she spent a month sneezing
but said she would do it, again

Here’s to the ones
who dream
Foolish, as they may seem
Here’s to the hearts
that ache
Here’s to the mess
we make

She captured a feeling
Sky with no ceiling
Sunset inside a frame
She lived in her liquor
and died with a flicker
I’ll always remember the flame

Here’s to the ones
who dream

Foolish, as they may seem
Here’s to the hearts
that ache
Here’s to the mess
we make

She told me:
A bit of madness is key
to give us new colors to see
Who knows where it will lead us?
And that’s why they need us

So bring on the rebels
The ripples from pebbles
The painters, and poets, and plays

And here’s to the fools
who dream
Crazy, as they may seem
Here’s to the hearts that break
Here’s to the mess we make

I trace it all back
to then
Her, and the snow, and the Seine
Smiling through it
She said
She’d do it, again

 

On & On

Heard this on a TV show, haven’t heard it for years. I don’t know if its the closest I’ll get to understanding my recent break up from the other perspective. Was this why he was so horrid?

 

All the songs that I’ve sung here
More often than you know
‘Cause you’re the lull that I’ve countered
More often than I’ve let it show

And I, I wish you would leave me
And I, I wish you would go
And I, I wish you didn’t need me
And I, I wish I didn’t love you so

‘Cause I just can’t go on
So please don’t do me wrong
No, I won’t do you harm
My love for you goes on & on

There’s no one else I want beside you
Give me a cold shoulder to cry upon
You’re never anywhere I find you
You’re never anything I rely upon

And I, I wish you would leave me
And I, I wish you would go
And I, I wish you didn’t need me
And I, I wish I didn’t know

But I just can’t go on
So please don’t do me wrong
No I won’t do you harm
My love for you goes on & on & on & on

No, I just can’t go on
So please don’t do me wrong
No I won’t do you harm
‘Cause my love goes on & on

And on & on
And on & on
And on & on

Read more: Longpigs – On & On Lyrics | MetroLyrics

This Modern Love

I’m just as confused by ‘modern love’. So glad to be reunited with Bloc Party, I feel like this is something I’d write in my muddle of emotions.
To be lost in the forest
To be cut adrift
You’ve been trying to reach me
You bought me a book
To be lost in the forest
To be cut adrift
I’ve been paid
I’ve been paid
Don’t get offended
If I seem absent minded
Just keep telling me facts
And keep making me smile
Don’t get offended
If I seem absent minded
I get tongue-tied
Baby, you’ve got to be more discerning
I’ve never know what’s good for me
Baby, you’ve got to be more demanding
I will be yours
I’ll pay for you anytime
You told me you wanted to eat up my sadness
Well jump on, enjoy, you can gorge away
You told me you wanted to eat up my sadness
Jump right
Baby, you’ve got to be more discerning
I’ve never know what’s good for me
Baby, you’ve got to be more demanding
Jump left
What are you holding out for?
What’s always in the way?
Why so damn absent minded?
Why so scared of romance?
This modern love breaks me
This modern love wastes me
Do you want to come over and kill some time?
Throw your arms around me